I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
