I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
