I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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