It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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