seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
