Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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