I CAN MOONWALK!
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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