the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
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