I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
