you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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