Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
