Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
