i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
