I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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