Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
