I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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