Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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