I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
