Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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