My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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