Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Randomize
