I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
