I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
