just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
