your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
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i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
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I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.