im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
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I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
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OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
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