I wish they made helmets for livers.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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