You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
