I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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