When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
