this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
