110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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