Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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