you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
