12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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