Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
