I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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