I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
