Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
