I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
