He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
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I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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