i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
