if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
