3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
