Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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