Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I think my moral compass just broke
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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