history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
