i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
