....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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