what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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