I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
