I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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