im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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