Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize