I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
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