Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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