Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
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To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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