So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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