6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
