I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Actions speak louder than pants.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
