Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
