I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
