My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
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Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
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Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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