Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
