I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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