I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
