Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
